YOU CAN’T WRITE THAT!
By VimesLady
Discworld - Harry Potter Crossover... sorta
Rated ‘R’
Warnings: Sexual themes, Vetinari/Snape slash, severe silliness, rather OOC
Havelock Vetinari, Severus Snape, and the author discuss the explicit slash story the author is plotting.
“Do forgive me, but I really must inquire as to just what leads you to believe I would consent to such a thing.” I wouldn’t have thought it possible for an individual to appear refined, proper and dignified while sitting cross-legged on a bed and wearing nothing but a black dressing gown. Havelock is pulling it off quite admirably.
“Mo-ti-va-tion,” Severus intones in Alan Rickman’s best Alexander Dane manner.
“You stay in character!” I warn him.
He has been reclining on the bed, propped up on one elbow, bed sheet pulled up to his waist, pouting and examining his fingernails while obviously pretending he is somewhere else. Now, dark eyes snapping, he draws himself into an upright sitting position and pulls his dressing gown tightly closed at his throat. (It had previously fallen casually open, exposing a deep V of his bare chest.)
“If I were to, as you put it, ‘stay in character’, I would not be in this abominable situation, in a bed with... him. And you, you depraved... ‘writer’..., would have long ago been turned into a glob of appropriately loathsome sludge quite incapable of operating that ridiculous muggle device.” His liquid voice is barely louder than a whisper, but can easily be heard in every corner of the room.
“Much better,” I applaud.
“I’m afraid that is a quite empty threat, Professor Snape,” the Patrician inserts, “She is totally untouchable.”
“Yes.” Severus agrees reluctantly, watching Havelock from the corner of his eyes, “But are you?”
Vetinari reacts only with a slightly raised eyebrow and a tiny purse of the lips, although his eyes, meeting Snape’s glare unblinkingly, may have widened a bit.
“It’s okay, Havvie, he’s not allowed to be a threat to you,” I reassure him. “At least, not that kind of threat,” I add with a lascivious smile.
Now his eyes do widen. He straightens, lifting his chin, his pinched lips testament to his efforts to maintain decorum. Severus’ glare has become murderous, and his lip curls slightly to expose clenched teeth.
Eventually realizing that his piercing stare is not having the desired effect on me, the Patrician slumps ever so slightly, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. “Perhaps it would be helpful for you to start at the beginning,” he suggests. “How, precisely, did I get here?” Snape calms himself somewhat, tossing a stray strand of hair out of his eyes and dropping his gaze to the bed sheets. He’s brooding again.
“You came with several of the UU faculty through L-Space,” I explain to him. “The wizards have come to Roundworld before using that route. After all, there’s certainly a library here, and all libraries are linked in L-Space...”
“Yes, yes...” Havelock interrupts. “But what am I doing on expedition with a group of wizards?”
“The last time the faculty visited Roundworld, they caused all kinds of trouble. They ended up traveling back in time again and again, trying to fix whatever had gone wrong, when actually they, themselves, were causing the problems.”
“No doubt. But why am I...?”
“You’ve come along this time as a diplomat. To make sure the wizards behave themselves and don’t botch up the Harry Potter universe.”
“I fail to see why the exploits of the Unseen University faculty in an alternate reality should take me from my duties in Ankh-Morpork.”
“Stop being such a perfectionist, Havvie, or we’ll never get anywhere with this.”
“And that would be such a pity...”
“Maybe you’re worried that if the wizards don’t return, UU will be taken over by chaotic forces,” I venture, ignoring Severus’ irony, “Now, Dumbledore is going to take the Discworld wizards on a tour of the Hogwarts classrooms. Snape wants to escape from the raucous wizards, so he begs off on some excuse. And he invites Havelock to have a cup of tea in his quarters.”
“Why would I do something so utterly senseless?” Sev inquires disinterestedly.
“If I am to be here as a diplomat, babysitting the UU wizards, why ever should I permit them to wander off on a tour of the facilities while I sit having tea?” Vetinari inserts.
“I don’t know!” I admit, frustration building, “Maybe Sev can recognize in Havvie a fellow soul insulted by the presence of the buffoonish wizards. Maybe Havvie, with his assassin’s background in poisons, is interested in Sev’s potions laboratory. You’re just going to have a cup of tea together before Sev’s next class. It shouldn’t be that hard. Besides, would either of you really prefer to spend your time in the presence of Ridcully, the Dean, the Bursar, the Librarian...”
“Alright!” Snape snaps, “Alright, I will allow a cup of tea. But only if you stop referring to me by that ridiculous nickname.”
“You haven’t much reason for complaint, comparatively, Professor. ‘Sev’ is certainly not as disturbing as...” the Patrician pauses, closing his eyes in pain, “‘Havvie’.”
“Well, you both have awkward names. Now. Sev... I mean, Severus, I assume you have wards on the door into your rooms?”
“I would be an utter fool not to have, given the intolerable behaviour of the students at this school.”
“So you lift those so you two can go in, and as you do, Lord Vetinari, you notice a slight shifting of the air, like a draft. But this isn’t a place you’re familiar with, so you dismiss it without question.”
“A dungeon is an odd spot to experience a draft,” Havvie remarks. Sev is listening suspiciously with one eyebrow slightly raised.
“Snape, you light the fire under the kettle, it’s already holding sufficient water for two cups...”
“Wasteful.”
“And get the tea things together...”
“I don’t keep sugar or milk.”
“Please do not concern yourself, Professor.”
“I do have lemon if you’d care for it.”
“Most kind.”
My gods, they’re being almost civil to each other! Maybe we’re making progress!
“We’ll need a little bit of dialogue...”
“I do not appreciate small talk,” Snape protests mildly.
“Nor do I, although it is sometimes required in matters of politics,” Havelock replies.
“And Havvie, you’ll notice again a feeling of air suddenly being displaced for no apparent reason, and the softest of sounds that could be footsteps or breathing, originating out of thin air.”
“He notices this in my quarters, and I do not?!” Severus objects crossly.
“Sorry, but he’s very good at this sort of thing.”
“Tell me, Professor, are you visited by ghosts or other discorporate beings in this castle?”
“Good! And focus your gaze on where the sounds seem to be centered.”“A few, but none of them would dare to enter my rooms.” Snape turns to me, “You cannot believe I am so senseless as to miss such a thing once it has been pointed out.”
“No, you both approach the center of the disturbance from different angles. But you’ll reach out slowly and cautiously at first, and before you make your move, Havelock will suddenly strike almost inhumanly fast, and find himself with a handful of Potter’s invisibility cloak.”
Snape snorts delicately, rolling his eyes, a sneer twisting his lips.
“Havvie’s got superpowers when it comes to concealment or swift movement, Severus. You’ll just have to live with it. It sorta counterbalances your powers as a wizard.” Sev looks as though he may go into another sulk. Havelock appears to be faintly amused at this point.
“Potter?” The name sounds obscene on Snape’s lips, “Potter, actually have the fortitude to sneak into my private quarters?”
“No, it’s one of the Weasely twins, I think.”
“Which one?”
“Haven’t got a clue.”
“But Potter must be involved, if his cloak was used.”
“I don’t think so. I think he borrowed it without mentioning it, sort of thing.”
“It’s 75 points from Griffindor, either way. And Dumbledore will be hearing of this directly. The trespassing scoundrel will be lucky if he avoids expulsion!” Severus’ voice increases in volume with every word. Havelock looks very faintly alarmed, but also still somewhat amused.
“And what ‘explanation’ does the miscreant have for sneaking into my private area?”
I spend a few seconds considering Snape’s ‘private area’ – I’ll take any excuse I can get.
“A dare, I think. Of course, he won’t divulge the people who put him up to it. After stuttering a bit, he says that some of the students suspected more than afternoon tea was involved in Severus’ invitation. After all, look at you two. You’re both tall, thin, black haired, pale skinned, consistently wear black robes, have prominent noses, are intelligent, cunning, devious, manipulative, powerful, have long, strong, tapered fingers... <sigh> Add in the boys’ adolescent hormones, and they’d naturally be curious if something was going on between you two.”
“You appear to be the one here with surplus hormones, damn you,” Severus snarls. Except how can a voice of liquid velvet snarl? Anyway, Vetinari does not look at all amused anymore. He has his head lowered, rubbing the bridge of his nose again, and I could swear I can see a bit of a blush high on his cheekbones.
“Your Lordship, you must excuse me. I must escort this would-be voyeur to the Headmaster’s office immediately.”
“Dumbledore is showing the Discworld wizards the classrooms,” I remind Sev, “Besides, you have a double potions class to teach in fifteen minutes. You’ll have to wait to see Dumbledore until afer class.”
“Oh, very well. But that cloak remains with me in the meantime.”
“How did the boys know in advance that I was going to be invited for tea?” Havelock inquires, a tad smugly. Sev switches his attention to me with the gaze of a cat who has just spotted a mouse.
<sigh> “The twin’s lying, of course, but you’re not supposed to think of that. At least not right now.”
“But I did indeed think of it.”
“Well... think about something else. You know plot isn’t my strong point. Anyway, you’re out of the picture for the moment. You too, Severus.
We switch to a wide hallway at Hogwarts. A group of boys, including Fred and George, are laughing raucously, doubled over, leaning on each other, or sitting on the floor in spasms of hilarity.
“That... that was so... bloody brilliant!”
“Oh, Merlin, we really got him this time!”
“That was the best ever!”
“I’d never have believed Potions class could... could be so... much fun!”
“I can’t believe our luck with the timing! It must have hit him almost as soon as class started.”
“Did you see? He broke his pen! He broke the bloody nib right off his pen!”
“I thought it was my imagination at first. He was, you know, shifting around on the chair...”
“He must have crossed and uncrossed his legs twenty times!”
“I wasn’t sure until I caught him, you know, sorta acting like he was smoothing down the front of his robes... oh bloody hell!”
“Then... then I thought for sure we were in for it when he started walking around to look at our potions...”
“I’d been trying so hard to keep an eye on how he was acting, I think I must have made a dozen mistakes in the first fifteen minutes!”
“I was just trying so hard not to laugh!”
“I’m not sure he even saw anyone’s potion anyway... his eyes were pretty glazed over...”
“He didn’t even get as far as our table.”
“‘You will all continue working. I will return momentarily.’ Oh god!”
“Little did he know!”
“It was more like, ‘I... I... I will... return... momentarily.’”
“I’ve never seen him move that fast ever... I thought he was going to end up leaving the room at a dead run!”
“I bet there wasn’t anyone in the whole class that completed their potion!”
“Well, class was practically over before he came back... I was beginning to wonder if he was even going to bother!”
“And then when he did come back...!”
“Who’d have thought his ugly, pasty mug could get that red?!”
“‘All of you get out! Now! Put your things away and get out!’”
“His hair’s always disgusting, but it was so sweaty it was plastered all over his face!”
He yelled at me once about how slow I was going. Oh god, I wanted to say, ‘Why, you got some important business to attend to?’!”
“Try to attend to!”
“That bloody potion was worth every bit we paid for it. I kinda suspected we were gonna get ripped off, but that was worth it at twice the price!”
“That’s easy for you to say. I got caught! I’m gonna be lucky if I just get expelled!”
“You won’t get expelled. What, can you see him going to Dumbledore and saying, ‘That Weasley brat put a potion in my tea that made me hornier than a 16-year-old with his first dirty magazine, but I couldn’t wank off!’”?
“He’s going to be too embarrassed to breathe a word... once he can even talk... or breathe!”
“That’s what I said... I’ll be lucky if I get expelled!”
“Besides, he doesn’t know if it was you or me, and you said he didn’t see you pour the potion into the kettle.”
“You’re in as deep as me, he’ll make both of our lives miserable!”
“Do you really think he was trying to jerk off that whole time he was gone?”
“Eww, what an image!”
“If the guy who sold us that little bottle was telling the truth, he’s still trying to get off right now!”
“Wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out he can’t get any relief until he finds a partner?”
“Unless he finds a partner. Who’s going to go to bed with Professor Snape?!’
“Ewwww!”
“One of the Slytherin girls with a really bad grade in Potions?”
“Marcus Flint?”
“They deserve each other!
“Draco Malfoy?”
“Gross!”
“You don’t... you don’t really think he’ll get so desperate he’ll like, go after one of the students, do you?”
“Not a chance. He’d be off the faculty and out of Hogwarts so fast, Harry Potter on a Firebolt couldn’t keep up!”
“Maybe he can get Madam Hooch to do him.”
“Mr. Filch!”
“Ohhh, I’m gonna hurl!”
“I really feel bad about that Patrician fellow, if he drank any of the tea. Who’s he going to turn to?”
“Oh, those weird so-called wizards he’s with, I bet. Did you hear? Where they come from, wizards have to stay completely away from females!”
“That’s just... wrong!”
“He seems like a twit anyway, all prim and proper, looking down his nose at everyone.”
“The experience might do him some good.”
“What’ll happen, though? If Snape has to just be alone with his wand hand, I mean, and not able to finish?”
“Oh, the guy said it wears off eventually. Can take up to twelve hours though.”
“Then I suggest everyone cover their heads at 3:00 in the morning.”
“Huh? Why?
“Can you imagine feeling you’re one stroke away from paradise all that time, after hanging on the edge for twelve hours, how brilliant it would feel to finally come?! Snape’s gonna scream so loud, people in the astronomy tower will hear him!”
“Anyone up for a bet on whether he’ll make it to breakfast tomorrow morning?”
This brought on a renewed collapse into laughter.
I have no idea how Severus managed to get his wand into this scene, but he’s holding it so tightly his knuckles are white. Literally snarling, lips curled and teeth bared, it’s hard to tell whether he intends to hex me or strangle me with his bare hands. Either way, Havelock intervenes, putting his hand out to restrain him. He must have damn good peripheral vision, or else it’s a reflex, since his eyes, somewhat veiled, are on me, not Sev.
“There’s really no point in attempted violence. She’s quite invulnerable.”
“That’s right,” I reply happily, “Try thinking of me as a hologram.”
“A what?” my two men chorus together. Sev has been temporarily derailed from his temper tantrum.
“Um, a projection.”
There’s a brief pause while they both digest this. “That Weasley boy is right about one thing,” Sev finally says blackly, “He and his brother are going to wish they had been expelled when I’m through with them.” He settles back slightly in the bed. “Besides, there is no potion that produces those particular... effects. So I’m supposed to go running to the Patrician here in desperate need of carnal release?”
“Oh, not right away. I think Remus will have overheard the boys’ conversation.”
“Lupin?! What does he have to do with this?!”
Havvie, while brightly observing our conversation, straightens his legs and pulls the bedcovers up to his waist. It’s a singularly graceful, casual movement, but I get the feeling it signifies... something.
“I’m thinking that Remus is going to realize what the boys have done, become concerned, and go down to the dungeons to check on you.”
“That... that half-beast?! Do not expect me to open the door to him! I would sooner kill myself than engage in any...”
“Oh, relax, Snapey. Be glad I didn’t make it Sirius.”
Havelock puts out a restraining hand again. Sev looks like he may explode, too angry to form coherent words, and his wand at hand.
“Look, I like the idea that Remus would be willing to, um, reduce your suffering, but really all he has to do is explain to you about the potion that was slipped into the tea.”
“As though I couldn’t figure that out by myself!”
“You’re in no condition to think reasonably, dear. But what Lupin tells you will make you realize that your best alternative is to visit Havelock.”
“I assure you that I am quite capable of enduring some discomfort rather than throw myself at someone like... him!”
Vetinari looks from Severus to me, bemused, one eyebrow sharply raised. “I must totally agree. May I remind you that I am rather renowned for my self-control and sense of decorum, if I do say so myself. I cannot believe that a simple concoction could drive me to a state of lust sufficient for me to abandon all propriety.”
“Ha! Foolish muggle!” Sev snorts derisively. He turns to face Havvie fully, leaning close. His voice is a dark, low, dangerous hiss. “You have no concept of the powers of magic. The exquisite potency of an elegantly brewed compound, the inexorable compulsion of imperative incantations... I could easily prepare a potion so overpowering that you would fall to your knees in helpless desperation and beg me for release!”
“Yes!” I shout joyfully, “I knew it was possible!”
I think Sev’s speech has shaken Havelock a bit. Retreating as my dark potion master invaded his personal space, he had leaned back, braced by one arm and an elbow which did not appear entirely stable. Now he quickly collects himself, positioning three of the many pillows as a backrest as he speaks.
“I really must extend my congratulations on that performance,” he says drily, “You seem to have encouraged her immensely.” Sev, nearly snarling, snatches the remaining pillows to his side as though they have suddenly become a point of contention.
“Just remember, Sevvie,” I taunt him, “You’re going to be under the influence of this potion as well. And Havelock, I wonder what the Commander would have to say about your famous self-control?”
“You leave him out of this!”
I’m startled. Hell, I’m shocked! I can’t remember ever hearing the Patrician snap like that. I’ve definitely hit a raw nerve. I don’t know whether to be delighted or terrified.
You can be sure Severus hasn’t missed this. His eyebrows are raised, one more than the other, and one corner of his mouth quirks slightly upward in the suggestion of a smile. “The...Commander...?”
“You heard me!” Havvie barks, “This has nothing whatsoever to do with him!”
Severus settles himself against the pile of pillows, looking as smug and self-satisfied as a victorious cat. “I was simply noting that it is apparently not my gender to which you are objecting,” he replies casually, smoothing the bedcover with an overly-obvious air of disinterest.
Now it’s Havelock’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “You sound almost as though you are considering acquiescing to this elicit proposition.”
Sev tilts his head to the side, considering. “Perhaps I am beginning, fatalistically, to accept the inevitability,” he suggestions, pursing his lips slightly. He pauses, and fixes his gaze to Havvie’s. “Continuation of this discussion is futile and pointless. Indeed, we could continue along this vein indefinitely. I fear she is enjoying it.”
I grin. He’s right. But there is a lull in the conversation now. Each man is regarding the other in a way that makes me feel discussion might actually be continuing on levels I can’t perceive.
“Is what you said before actually factual?” Havvie asks at last, “Could you in fact brew a preparation that would have such... intense effects?”
Snape’s soft reply is rich, deep, dangerous... a dagger wrapped in black velvet. "In the hands of a master, the right ingredients, precisely prepared, mixed, and simmered, with the proper incantations spoken at exactly the right moment... There are potions that no living being can resist. Potions that will make a man desire more than life that which he has detested before, or abandon casually that which had meant most to him; ones that will erase one's most treasured memories, or create vivid memories of that which never was. Ones which will prolong the life of the dying, or be the singular cause of a most agonizing death."
There’s a moment of silence. I’m mesmerized. Havelock’s eyes have widened, but now he blinks, and one eyebrow minimally rises. The mood of the moment dissolves with his bright, casual reply.
"Really. I fear I must get by with making certain that what people choose to do coincides exactly with what I wish them to do."
The corners of Sev’s mouth curl up again in that slow smirk. “It truly is a shame you were born a muggle, Lord Vetinari. You would have made an excellent Slytherin.”
“That’s the second time you’ve referred to me with that word. Just what is a muggle?”
“Devoid of magic. Incapable of using the magical arts.”
“I see. I like to believe I have learned ways of compensating for that little... deficiency.”
They are both reclining against piles of pillows now, eye to eye. There’s something breathtakingly intense in the way they study each other. A strand of hair has fallen over Sev’s face, partially covering one eye, the end at the corner of his mouth. Supremely deliberate, Havvie reaches out and brushes it back. His hand lingers, fingers at the side of Severus’ cheekbone, thumb at his jawline.
“I do not want to be coerced,” he says softly, firmly.
“No,” Sev agrees, in a voice of liquid black velvet, “Enthralment by magic can be most... disconcerting... under certain circumstances...”
Havelock shifts, ever so discretely, closing the gap between the two men. “No magic.”
“Not... in the literal sense...”
One hand still resting on Severus’ face, I see Havvie’s other arm move under the blanket.
Sev’s eyes widen for an instant, then flutter almost closed. A gasp hisses between his teeth, and his cheekbones colour with a brush of translucent red.
More discreet movement concealed by the bed sheet. Sev jerks convulsively, jaw clenched, shuddering. He’s doing an excellent impression of a man trying valiantly but unsuccessfully not to squirm.
Havelock’s gaze is fixed on Severus’ mouth. He deliberately draws near, and Sev slightly tilts his head, lips opened minutely in invitation. I’ve forgotten how to breathe.
With mere inches between their lips, Sev suddenly raises an index finger between them, in the international symbol of ‘Wait one moment’. Then the finger rotates 90 degrees to point straight at me, his eyes shifting in the same direction.
“Leave,” he says firmly.
“Leave?! You mean... you can’t expect... Leave? Now?!”
The finger still points accusingly, and now Vetinari has turned his blue-ice-on-fire gaze toward me as well.
“Leave,” they chorus simultaneously. It’s a flat demand in tones that suggest refusal is an unthinkable response.
It suddenly occurs to me that two of the most powerful men in the multiverse are demanding my absence. Men who, for very good reason, are accustomed to being obeyed.
Suddenly I’m not so confident of my invincibility. Reluctantly, I click on ‘save document’.
Taking advantage of the distraction, Sev closes the gap and presses those full, soft lips to Havelock’s mouth. After tensing for an instant in surprise, Havvie responds, eyes closed, moving in to deepen the kiss.
I close WordPerfect and exit Windows.
End, at least for now...
Part 2, were I to write it, would be undisguised smut.
Part 3 would be where we learn, among other things, that both men originally intended to give me only enough to satisfy me and therefore avoid the original story line. Things just got significantly out of hand. Now they have to face the morning light... and each other.